True Accounts of A Hatter Switch

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The last person I slept with who loved me and was in love with me happens to be my ex-boyfriend whom I haven’t seen or heard from in five years. Far as I know, he’s still dating his girlfriend.

The last person I was in love with killed himself after the depression finally took him over. He was very sick physically and just wanted the pain to stop. He couldn’t afford the medication he needed to keep his disease under control. His friend sent me a notebook of his telling that some of his final thoughts were of me.

So why am I talking about such depressing shit?

Sometimes, we just need to let it all out. To just write it all down and try to forget or perhaps better understand. It’s been six months since he died. It’s been three months since I last dated someone and even then it had turned rocky long before we ended it. It also didn’t last very long. I haven’t dated anyone with whom I’ve shared that intimacy and understanding and love since my ex-boyfriend.

I don’t miss sex. I don’t miss fooling around. I don’t even really miss flirtations. I miss late night phone calls that last for hours and really end being about nothing. I miss holding hands and barely there kisses, the kind that make your toes tingle and a smile light up on your face. I miss curling up in front of a tv and falling asleep together. I miss it so much I don’t even know if I can continue typing this out without shedding tears.

I feel like I’m stuck. That I’m stuck in this darkness and chained up, just waiting for someone to open the door. And yet I don’t want them to. I want to remain in this darkness and just let it consume me because some days it is just too hard to fight and yet I don’t give up. I keep struggling to pull through. My soul and my will won’t let me falter or stumble so badly I can’t get back up.

I get by.

Maybe there will be a day where I won’t just be getting by but will be thriving.

I think what makes it all worse is that I’ve just been trying to be happy with myself and I end up being brought down by others who are able to find happiness with other people. It’s not even just that it feels like they are flaunting it in front of me but sometimes it just feels like any progress I’ve made has been reduced to practically nothing.

I’m used to being alone but at some point, you realize that you’re only used to it because you don’t feel like there’s anything better than what you’ve had before or could even achieve now. And you crave it. You craze that new beginning and yet it’s out of reach.

But you just keep doing, even if it kills you inside.

I remember a friend of mine saying he didn’t believe gay people should get married. I asked him why. He said he supported their rights, but not their right to marry because it wasn’t within the bible. I was actually surprised and could only come up with one thing to say.

“What if some stranger came up to you and said that they couldn’t stand the thought of you being married because it somehow affected them? That because of your sexual orientation, they were offended by you even thinking you could marry? Imagine being told that people who didn’t share your sexual orientation were allowed to vote on YOUR RIGHT to marry someone you love. Think about it. It’s almost impossible, isn’t it? Because you’ve never been told you couldn’t.”

I think he got the message and I’m not sure if his view changed, but as long as I could give some perspective I felt a bit better. I don’t know how someone else getting married can affect someone else’s marriage. I don’t know how someone else’s lifestyle can hinder someone living their life how they want. I don’t know how someone has the nerve, the indecency to say, “you offend me by living the way you do,” when in reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with them.

I don’t know how someone can say, “You can’t get married because I think it’s wrong.” Note the use of “I”. It’s suddenly not about you, but them. Why? Everyone lives how they want to live and as long as it doesn’t harm others, I don’t see this as an issue. Be kinky, be straight, be gay, be vanilla, be whatever you want to be as long as you are yourself. We don’t choose to be gay or straight [at least a good 90% of us don’t] but that doesn’t mean anyone has the right to say someone can’t get married. The bible was written 3k years ago by mankind who didn’t know much about science or different lifestyles. They wanted to make sure that there was civility in a once chaotic world. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to move on.

So I ask you, if someone said to you you couldn’t get married to someone you loved, what would you say? I’d say fuck you.